


Heard it Through the Grapevine

by tptigger



Category: Sarah Jane Adventures
Genre: 5 Times, Gen, Storytelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-15
Updated: 2013-12-15
Packaged: 2018-01-04 16:25:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1083145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tptigger/pseuds/tptigger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5 times that Sarah Jane Smith had to explain to her "kids" about rumors they'd heard about her, and one time that she didn't have to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Amilyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amilyn/gifts).



> Thanks to my (anonymous for now) beta reader. I hope I'm not conflicting with the Big Finish series, I've never heard it.

After Luke's name was chosen, the three sipped their lemonade in silence for a few moments. The late summer breeze blew through the garden, rustling the leaves on the hedges, carrying the scent of freshly cut grass to their noses. Sarah Jane sipped her lemonade, unsure how she'd gotten just the right blend of lemon juice and sugar. She was glad though, after all, it was Luke's first lemonade ever, it should taste good. 

"Sarah Jane?" Maria asked, voice quiet as if she were afraid that breaking the silence would break something else as well.

"Yes?" Sarah Jane asked gently.

Maria stared at her lemonade. "I've been meaning to ask, Kelsey said that someone saw you talking to some kind of crystal thing down by the station and that it moved." 

"Oh?" Sarah Jane asked, stifling a laugh. "I think you'll find that there a lot of things that people say about me around here."

"Well, I know you're not mad, but was there a crystal alien that you met down by the station?" Maria asked. She was still looking at her lemonade.

A smile tugged at Sarah Jane's lips. "Oh, that was Doroid from Vorulak, he's a Nysin space trader. It's a funny story actually."

"Do tell." Maria looked up, her eyes sparkling in the moonlight.

"Please," Luke added, his eyes growing wide. "I think I like stories."

"Well, let me see, it all started...."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It started with a blackout. This may seem like an odd way for me to start an investigation, but I was in the attic when it happened. The lights flickered before going off completely, but normal power outages never bother Mr. Smith.

"Sarah Jane, it seems there's a line out near the Ealing Broadway Underground station," he said.

"Well, Mr. Smith, that would explain the power being out," I said, closing the book I was reading. "Have the neighbors called the power company?"

"Yes to both, but local CC TV scanners near the line are still working, and I managed to pick up an anomaly on the video."

I got up. Nothing happened. "Well?"

Mr. Smith's screen displayed the video, of the power line straining and then breaking, crackling.

"Mr. Smith, is it just me or are the sparks going out but not up?"

"Yes, Sarah Jane. Note the trees in the video."

The branches were shaking, several had leaves that had been knocked off, and branches that were bent, down, or on fire.

It was hard to know if it was some kind of weird lightening strike, or something of more interest. "Scan weather satellites, see if there are any weather anomalies in that area."

"There is nothing in the vicinity."

"Well, I'd best go have a look before the power crews arrive."

~~~~~~

"And?" Luke asked, leaning forward in his seat, lemonade forgotten beside him.

"Who's telling this story?" Sarah Jane asked peevishly, fixing Luke with a glare.

"It's rude to interrupt the storyteller, Luke." Maria was leaning forward, her chin resting on her shoulder.

Luke wrinkled his nose in consternation. "What is rude?"

"I can see we'll need to buy you a book on manners." Sarah Jane sighed. "For now, treat others the way you would want to be treated, all right?"

Luke nodded. "All right. I'm sorry, Sarah Jane, you were saying?"

~~~~~

I got to the station and there weren't many onlookers, thankfully, because there was now a rapidly growing crystal sitting on the power main. It had been growing. I didn't know who or what it was, but you know how I prefer to approach things.

"Hello, there," I said, walking up to the crystal. Its rate of growth was expanding, and it looked like one of those plastic toys you see on television sometimes--all folded corners and sharp angles that unfolded like a sea urchin.

A projection screen appeared on the surface, revealing a small creature. He was a quadruped...

* * *

"Yes, Maria?" Sarah Jane asked. "And you don't have to raise your hand, this isn't class."

"I just... what's a quadruped?"

"It means it has four legs, like a dog or a horse."

"Was he?" Luke asked.

"Was he what?" Sarah Jane asked.

"Like a dog or a horse?"

"Oh, no, not at all."

~~~~~

He had purple skin, and a body shaped like a cube, with a leg coming out at each of the bottom corners. Also, an arm coming out of each surface attached to the bottom, with three fingers on each hand with an opposable thumb. He made a motion with his forward hand, as if asking me to go on.

"My name is Sarah Jane Smith, may I ask who you are?"

"GHET ask you SEGE NKeA..." you get the idea.

"Is there something you need? Some way I can help you? Has the electricity damaged your ship?"

"Oh, there we are," he replied. "My apologies for the delay, I'm afraid I'm very low on power and it took a little bit to get the translation software functioning properly."

"Oh. Shall we start over then? My name is Sarah Jane Smith. What brings you to Earth?"

"Hello, Sarah Jane Smith. My name is Doroid from the plant Vorulak. I'm afraid my ship had a rather nasty encounter with a Athsnal spaceship and I just barely managed to get away. Your alternating current isn't the most efficient use of energy, but I should have enough power to get to a proper recharging station in another yrayo or so."

"I'm afraid I don't have any frame of reference for a yrayo," Sarah Jane said.

"About half of the time we've been talking so far," he replied.

The ship was much larger, about up to my waist by that point.

"I hope I haven't caused too much trouble."

"A few blocks are without electricity," I replied. "My main concern was that you would hurt the people who came to repair the line. I'm sure that they won't be much longer. Do I need to be concerned about the Athsnal space ship?"

"Oh, no, the Judoon were swooping in to deal with them, that's why I was able to get away at all."

"Are you injured?"

"Only my pride," he replied. "Honestly, I'm rather glad of the company, Sarah Jane Smith, these deep space voyages are a pain, but sometimes a trader has to do what a trader has to do. What I get for going freelance."

"I understand, I do a bit of freelance work myself. Sometimes it's exhilarating and sometimes it's a right slog. What's your cargo?"

"I'm carrying... but I'm sworn to secrecy."

"I won't tell a soul. It's not like much in the way of intergalactic trade comes to Earth. Mostly I try to make sure no one else finds them when they do come."

"I'm carrying love letters from Thruizqua of Gharta Nebulon to Ruthburn Kalc in the Acero belt."

"So just regular gossip then?"

"Until you realize that their civilizations have been at war over the mining system for three centuries and they're both the crown princes."

Sarah Jane chuckled. "Oh, dear. What will they do for heirs."

"Oh, there are ways around that, didn't you know?"

~~~~

Luke was staring at Sarah Jane, nose wrinkled in utter confusion.

"Oh, Luke, I can see we're going to need to have a long talk," Sarah Jane said over Maria's giggles.

"About what?"

"Human reproduction, amongst other things. Really, Maria, it's not funny at all."

"It's just my mum always said that boys were such wimps about pain because they couldn't have babies," Maria said. "I can only imagine what that must be like."

"I didn't ask," Sarah Jane said. "After that, he was charged up and with the power company showing up any minute, he had to leave." She glanced at her watch. "Speaking of which, Maria, it's probably best you be getting home. It's getting late."

"You're probably right," Maria said, sadly, placing her empty glass of lemonade on the table. "Thank you. Good night Sarah Jane; good night, Luke."


	2. II

"So how was your first Slytheen free day?" Sarah Jane asked as Maria, Luke, and Clyde all tromped into her living room a few weeks later.

"Snacks!" Luke said, gratefully, diving into a plate of biscuits she had just pulled out.

Maria and Clyde each took biscuits, then looked at Luke expectantly.

"What's going on?" Sarah Jane asked, looking from one to the other.

Luke went into the kitchen, returning with four glasses and a pitcher of lemonade on a tray.

"Go on, Luke," Sarah Jane prompted.

Luke poured out the lemonade, eyes on his task and not his audience. "Do I really have to take art class?"

"Yes, if you want to get into a good university," Sarah Jane said. "What's this all about?"

"People were saying... things about you at school. Mostly during art. I don't want to have to listen to it anymore." Luke handed the glasses around, but didn't meet anybody's eyes.

Sarah Jane accepted the glass, but reached out, tipping Luke's chin up so that he would have to look her in the eyes. "What were they saying Luke?"

Luke shifted uncomfortably. "It's rude."

"It's rude that they said it to you, mate," Clyde said firmly.

Sarah Jane was still a little unsure about Clyde's influence on Luke, but his loyalty more than made up for some of his quirks.

Sarah Jane touched Luke's arm. "Oh, come on, Luke, I all ready know I have a reputation for being the Mad Lady of Bannerman Road. What are they saying?"

"Come on, Luke." Clyde clapped Luke on the shoulder. "I'll bet there's a really cool story behind it."

Luke stared down at his biscuit. "Sherry Applebaum, she lives a couple houses down from Maria, said she saw you out in the garden one night, talking into your hand and dancing around. And that the next morning there was a fairy ring in the garden. Like it had sprung up overnight."

"As nosey as her mother, I see." Sarah Jane shook her head. "It's one thing to overhear something, or accidentally see something, but nosing around in my garden like that! I don't know why the Applebaums can't keep themselves to themselves. I never should've accepted that casserole she brought over when I moved in. It's been nothing but trouble since. I miss one dinner party to help a lost Winazy get its bearings, and all of a sudden she's always around in my face, wanting to know everything."

"Is that why you were so short with my dad at first?" Maria asked.

"Yes, I'm afraid so, learned my lesson so to speak," Sarah Jane said.

"Talking hands? Fairy rings?" Clyde took another biscuit. "Is anyone forgetting that we were trying to find out more about aliens."

"Oh, is that what we were doing," Maria huffed.

"Well, that and get Luke to talk about all the stories going around school," Clyde mumbled around chocolate chips.

Luke shrugged. "It's not like I can tell them the truth."

"You don't want to know?" Clyde asked.

"Please tell us, Sarah Jane," Maria said, sipping her glass of lemonade.

~~~

It all started with a lot of talk about odd lights out in the playground. A lot of the things I investigate come from that sort of thing-- rumors whispered on the wind, and in this case some were even printed in the letters to the editor section of the Ealing Echo. Your school's newspaper even ran some kind of story. I think Mr. Smith even picked up some buzz about it in some of the internet chat rooms. I thought they might just be some glowworms getting into unusual places, but then some of the reports started to include strange plants springing up in the area, I thought I'd have a look.

There were some kids a little younger than you there when I got there, right in the thick of the plants. Strange things the plants were too, like something out of Alice in Wonderland. Mushrooms that came up to my shoulder, were bright purple, and had pom poms coming from out the top. The police had cordoned it off before I could get there--I don't know if Torchwood or UNIT had been called in, but there were a bunch of ten year olds trying to climb them like trees!

"You lot get down from there right now. Those cordons are there for a reason, don't any of you have any sense. Go home this instant."

They just stared at me, the cheeky beggars. One of them called me something that quite frankly, Luke, I had better never hear of ever coming out of your mouth to anyone. Ever.

~~~

"How am I supposed to avoid it if I don't know what it is?" Luke asked.

"Dude, you don't ask your mum to teach you how to swear," Clyde replied.

"If you want to hear the rest of this story, Clyde Langer, you won't teach him either," Sarah Jane said.

"All right," Clyde said.

Sarah Jane suspected that Clyde's fingers were crossed behind his back, but really, Luke would have to learn sometime. And Clyde was probably better than a movie or the television.

~~~

"We don't have to do anything you say, you're not our mum," one little girl added.

"Would you rather I called the police and had them run you out? The tape is there for a reason you know."

Then they scarpered, the lot of them. I hate making children afraid of the police, but at least it worked as a threat. I scanned for alien life, and my watch readings were off the scale. The plants were alien, clearly, but there was something else that I couldn't see. Something not plant matter, but definitely alien, inside the mushrooms.

"Hello?" I stepped as close to one as I dared. One thing the watch can't tell me is if things are dangerous. 

"Miss, I'll have to ask you to stand back."

There was a young man in UNIT gear-- for future reference, that's a navy blue jumpsuit and a red beret-- standing outside the police line.

"Hello," I said, walking up to the barrier and pulling out my wallet. "I'm Sarah Jane Smith, a friend of Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart."

"The Brigadier has retired, ma'am," he replied.

"I'm aware, um..."

"Corporal Ross, Ma'am," he said.

"I think you'll find this in order if you call in your superior, Corporal Ross."

I handed him my UNIT ID card.

"I didn't realize you were still a consultant, Ms. Smith," he replied. "You don't mind if I ring up my superior, do you?"

"Be my guest."

He pulled out a radio. "Please wait behind the tape, we're not sure what those things are."

"Alien plant life with something smaller inside," I replied.

He raised his eyebrows, reporting my ID and observations to whoever was on the other end of the radio.

"Listen to Ms. Smith, Corporal, you might learn a thing or two."

"I thought you said the Brigadier had retired," I asked.

Ross tossed me the radio. "Officially, but you just try to keep him off of the base."

I smiled. "Hello, Brigadier."

"Hello, Sarah," he replied.

~~~~~

"Uh, excuse me?" Maria asked, softly.

"What is it Maria?"

"I thought you said you preferred to be called Sarah Jane."

"Yes, well the Brigadier and the Doctor were always very hard to convince of that," Sarah Jane replied. "And they're the only ones I'll let get away with it."

"So I should..."

Clyde picked up an end cushion and clonked Luke on the head with it. "You call her Mum, she means Maria and me."

"Yes, quite," Sarah Jane said. "So where was I?"

"Talking to the Brigadier," Clyde prompted, leaning forward in his seat.

~~~~

Well, I won't bore you with the details, but basically he told Ross to listen to me, and asked me to work with a pair of scientists--Vincent and Fisher-- that Ross had brought along. The scientists were hard to get a read on--they were wearing those bright yellow hazmat suits and it was hard to see their faces through the visors, but they asked where I thought that they should start, so I suggested they start with the surfaces of the mushrooms, because I wasn't sure what was inside. The minute that one of them touched a mushroom with a scalpel, a swarm of yellow creatures came outside of the mushrooms. They were bipedal, that means they walked on two legs, and they had two arms and opposable thumbs, though they weren't very large, maybe two apples high. Still, they managed to snatch the scalpels and dart back inside the mushrooms. The interesting thing was they seemed to pass through the mushrooms as if they weren't there, but when we compared notes later, Dr. Fisher and Dr. Vincent both assured me that they felt very solid.

"Strange," Dr. Fisher said.

"I rather think they're intelligent, and nonviolent," said Dr. Vincent. "Would you like to come out and talk?"

There was a rather disagreeable buzzing sound.

"Perhaps they'd be more friendly if you backed away from the mushrooms," I suggested. "They didn't bother me over passive scans."

Now, UNIT scientists aren't usually ones for backing off, but apparently the Brigadier had either told them that I knew what I was talking about, or they'd sent really wise scientists for a change.

Ross, in the meantime, had fetched something out of the car.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Standard translation unit, Ma'am," Ross said. "If Dr. Vincent thinks they're intelligent, I thought it might come in handy."

"Call me Sarah Jane, please, Corporal Ross," I said. "And good thinking."

"Right, Sarah Jane." He handed me the device. "I gather you probably have more experience talking to aliens than the rest of us. Would you care to do the honors?" He flicked a switch and handed it to me.

I turned it over, trying to find the controls. "How does it work?"

"Just talk," Ross said.

"Hello. Welcome to earth, my name is Sarah Jane Smith. These are my friends, Corporal Ross and Drs. Fisher and Vincent."

Several different sounds came from the speakers. The mushrooms buzzed. The translation device buzzed back. The mushrooms buzzed again, a few of the yellow creatures poking their heads out on the surface.

"Greetings, Sarah Jane Smith. Why do you disturb our sanctuary?"

"We were concerned," I replied. "Children play here, and we want to make sure that these plants won't harm them."

"We will be here another day, and then the plants will wither and die. They should not harm your young, but you may cart them off after that time if you are concerned."

"What will you do to children who duck the tape?" I asked. "I don't know if you noticed..."

"They weren't hurting anything. The worst they would have done was get some mud on the plants that nourish our new spaceship."

Dr. Fisher wrestled the controls out of my hands. "How does that work?"

"I"m afraid we can't tell you," they replied. "Trade secret."

Dr. Fisher started muttering something about intellectual property being a scourge on the entire galaxy.

"So you'll be out of our hair in a day or so?" I asked. "I think we should be able to keep your ships safe until then."

"We'd still like to get a sample to analyze, just to make sure it's not toxic to our biology," Ross added. "We're sorry if we seem a bit rude, but we've been hurt by aliens who claimed to be friendly before."

I wasn't sure whether to chastise him or applaud him for at least trying to be diplomatic about it. This one had potential, even if he was a bit of a military man.

"You may approach. A couple of our number will come out to show you the nonessential parts."

"Are they different in composition from the essential parts?" Dr. Fisher asked.

Ross flicked a switch on the device. "How would we know if they were?" he whispered. 

I scanned with my watch again, gesturing for Ross to turn the translation device back on. "The plant composition seems very even except for the roots, which the kids can't get to, and the area under the umbrella part of the mushroom. If we could get get a sample of each for analysis, please?"

"How large of a sample do you need from the underneath?"

"A few centimeters," Fisher responded.

"We have no frame of reference for centimeters."

Ross held his fingers apart. Fisher adjusted them a bit. "A thin slice that long, and this wide." He moved Ross's fingers again.

"Doctor Fisher," Ross protested.

"My fingers aren't terribly precise in these hazmat gloves, sorry," Dr. Fisher responded.

"You could have asked first!"

A buzzing sound emanated from the mushrooms, but this was higher pitched than the first, nearly like bells.

Ross smacked the translator.

"I think they're laughing at you Corporal." I have to admit, I was having trouble not bursting out laughing myself.

"We apologize if you think us rude," the aliens buzzed, "but our species can be much the same way about things. A sample of that size is acceptable."

"Shall we get started, then?" Dr. Fisher asked.

"Very well," they replied.

Two glowing lights emanated from one of the mushrooms. Dr. Fisher approached it and took his samples.

"I'll just run these through the test kits, won't be a tick," he said, ducking under the tape and heading back to the UNIT. vehicle.

"I'll see if we can set up some surveillance for a day or so, just to keep the little ones out of trouble, yeah?" Ross said, eyeing the mushrooms warily.

The buzzing grew deeper and louder. "You think we would hurt children?"

"What would you do if they hurt your plants?" Ross asked.

"Try to scare them away, as we did you."

"What do you think their parents would do once they saw that?" I asked. "Best if we keep the children from being frightened in the first place, don't you think?"

The buzzing quieted. "That is a wise precaution."

Dr. Fisher returned. "No more toxic than your average Earth mushroom. And I think I have enough leftover do to some DNA analysis; should be fascinating; I wonder how well conserved they are."

I looked at Ross, who just shrugged. "I'm going to report in." He stepped away, but allowed me to take the translator when I reached for it.

"May I ask what brings you to Earth?"

Dr. Fisher scowled at me, as if the only puzzle here were the scientific one.

"We are staying over on the way to a new colony. We need to recharge our organic energy and food supplies."

"What do you eat?" asked Dr. Vincent.

"The parts of the mushroom that we do not use for fuel."

"Have we interfered with your food supply?" I asked.

"Minimally. We may need to have a few people stay behind for a couple days to grow a small craft and then catch up."

"If that's the case, we'll need to move you somewhere less conspicuous," Ross said. He gestured towards the translator. "The Brig says to hold onto this for a few days and then to come back and check up on things. Give us a call if you need any more help."

"All right," I said, "thank you Corporal Ross. Give my love to the Brig."

"Well do, Ma--er, Sarah Jane."

~~~~~

Luke wrinkled his nose in confusion. "What's this got to do with you talking to your hand and fairy lights?"

Sarah Jane cleared her throat.

"I forgot to say excuse me again didn't I?" Luke asked.

Sarah Jane nodded.

"I'm sorry, Sarah Jane," Luke said contritely.

Clyde elbowed him in the ribs, mouthing "Mum" when Luke turned to him.

"He usually remembers to raise his hand in class," Maria said.

"Possibly a little too much," Clyde added.

Luke grabbed the couch cushion from behind him and conked Clyde on the head with it.

"Luke, really, not the good cushions," Sarah Jane said with a tone of such fond exasperation that Maria couldn't help but giggle. "I thought the point of adopting a teenager was that fewer of your things get ruined. At least you sleep through the night."

Luke shrugged. "Still, I don't see what mushrooms in the park have to do with you talking to your hand and fairy rings springing up in the back garden."

"I was just getting to that part."

* * *

I waved at the man reading a newspaper on a park bench as I headed for the mushrooms a few days later. I'm not sure if he was actually with UNIT or not, but I suspect that while the Brigadier felt I could handle the diplomatic relations, he had an agent or two that he wanted to give very boring guard duty to.

As promised, the mushrooms were mostly gone, and what was left was very slowly shrinking.

I pulled the translator out of my bag and switched it on. "Hello, friends, I just came to wish you bon voyage."

"May we ask you a favor, Sarah Jane Smith?"

"What do you need? I'd be glad to help you if I can."

"A few of us would like remain behind to grow some smaller mushrooms, more food, and a shuttle craft that will catch up to the larger ships in a day or two," they replied. "Your Corporal Ross said we would need to me moved somewhere more discreet?"

"I think my back garden could accommodate something smaller, though if it's taller than here," I held my hand at knee level, "then the neighbors might start to talk."

"We could do several small ones that are much lower. We can adapt things so that we can fit into whatever space you provide."

"That would be acceptable," I said. "We could even chat a bit about where you're from and where you're going if you like. I like to learn about other species and planets."

"That would be most agreeable, Sarah Jane Smith."

The rest of the mushrooms were dismantled now, leaving only small heaps of earth where the roots had been dug up. I'll give the N'ghara that, they are certainly thorough.

"How shall we get you there?"

"If we could ride on your shoulder," they said.

I frowned. "Well, it's bright enough I guess it shouldn't be too conspicuous, hop on."

~~~~~~~

"What's so funny, Maria?" Sarah Jane asked

"Its just, that must have looked so much odder than what Sherry saw."

"Yes, well, it was probably much easier to write those off as a trick of the light," Sarah Jane replied.

"Wouldn't it have been less conspicuous to have them not put the mushrooms in a ring?"

"Well, yes, but then what the neighbors have talked about?" Sarah Jane asked. "There's a certain amount of privacy afforded to the Mad Lady of Bannerman Road after all."


	3. III

"We've got another good one for you, Mum," Luke said, bounding into the house a week or so later, with Clyde and Maria at his heels. All of their shoes were covered in mud from the rain that had swept through Ealing, ending just before home time.

"Wipe your feet!" Sarah Jane scolded.

Maria complied, but only managed to spread the mud around her shoes. "It's hopeless, I'm just taking my shoes off," Maria said.

"Ditto." Luke yanked off his mud covered shoes. "Is that right?"

"Perfect usage," Maria said. "We'll have you talking like a human in no time.

Clyde muttered something, but slipped out of his shoes and followed them into the parlor in his stocking feet.

"Scones!" Luke said, diving in.

"They're warm," Clyde said, incredibly, tossing one from hand to hand.

"Tesco scones, put them in the microwave for a few seconds and voila," Sarah Jane answered his unspoken question. "So, you have another batty story for me."

"Well, Mary was saying her little sister was just dreaming, but that a year and a half ago, Mary's sister swears she saw the upper half of the house surrounded by a cyclone!" Luke said excitedly. "Except there aren't any cyclones in Britain; I checked."

"Mary also said that her mum had been reading her sister The Wizard of Oz before bed," Maria said. "So I'm not sure if the 'dreaming' thing isn't a plausible explanation."

"Oh, if it were a year and a half ago, she could've very well seen what looked like a cyclone on top of the house," Sarah Jane said. "How do you think K-9 got stuck with taking care of that black hole?"

~~~

I had learned that Swiss scientists were working on a new particle accelerator, so I called in some favors, but I got a press pass to go visit. I have a mini camera rigged to look like a pen and was able to get pictures of their schematics. Once I got home, Mr. Smith analyzed them,and learned that rather than creating energy, the scientists were about to create a black hole that would swallow up the Earth.

"We have about 10 minutes before the collider will go critical, Sarah Jane," Mr. Smith said. "And no way that we could sabotage the collider from here."

"The positron generator, mistress," K-9 said.

"What positron generator, K-9?"

"Left by the Ketarian last week," K-9 said.

I held up the device. "This?"

"Yes," K-9 said, "not only was that interfering with his navigation, but it will attract gravitational pulls into its orbit. Combined with the teleport disc, we can use it to launch me into space and I will be able to keep the black hole at bay, mistress."

"The scientist will think that the experiment failed and their next planned configuration is significantly less dangerous," Mr. Smith added. "Perhaps it is an acceptable plan."

I was a bit suspicious, because Mr. Smith has never been very fond of K-9, but I didn't have any better ideas. "All right, let's do that."

"It would be best if you evacuated to the lower floors, mistress," K-9 said. "There could be a gravitational disturbance in the attic during the early phases of the operation."

"I never thought I would say this, but I concur with the dog," Mr. Smith said.

They can be as bad as the Doctor sometimes, really, but I'm not a nuclear physicist, so I left them to it. And, well, you know how that turned out.

~~~

Clyde cleared his throat.

"Clyde?" Sarah Jane asked.

"I'm sorry, but who's this K-9?"

"He's a robot from the year 5000 that the Doctor sent me. Or built for me. Or rebuilt for me," Sarah Jane said. "It's rather complicated, but he's a robot dog. K-9, get it."

"Where is he?"

"In the safe in the attic, still attending to that wretched black hole," Sarah Jane said. "Really, it's one thing when scientists make miscalculations on a small scale, but quite another when they mess it up on a galactic one. They need to think before they get too excited."

"Will I get to meet him?"

"He drifts by from time to time," Sarah Jane said. "The next time he's through when it's not during school, I'll let you know."

"I'd bunk off school to meet a robot dog," Clyde said.

"He's not worth bunking off school for, Clyde, trust me," Luke said.

Sarah Jane crossed her arms. "So just what is worth 'bunking off school' as you so eloquently put it, Luke?"

"Saving the world," Luke replied.

"All right, that's fair enough I suppose. If you want to keep helping, Clyde, you'll need to be a better influence on Luke," Sarah Jane said sternly.

Not that she minded that Clyde was teaching Luke slang and popular culture, it was helping him fit in. Still, she drew the line at skiving off.


	4. IV

"Oh, no, I know that look," Sarah Jane said as Luke came in after school a few days later, Maria and Clyde at his heels. "What completely crazy story do you want the truth behind now?"

Everyone exchanged glances.

"Oh, come, on, it can't be that bad."

"Carrie Zawostowski asked me how many cats we had," Luke said.

"Oh, dear," Sarah Jane said. "Did she say anything about the incident involving Brady McDougall and the stray cats?"

"How'd you guess?"

Sarah sighed. "Oh, dear, that _is_ a story."

~~~~~~

It was a few weeks before the last story I told you, and I think, looking back, that was the beginning of Mr. McDougall's deterioration. His children had to put him into care about a month ago, Maria, which is probably why your father was able to buy his house so cheaply. Anyway, Mr. McDougall had a thing for collecting strange objects out of flea markets, and if any of you ever pick up that habit, I don't care how long I've been gone, I will come back and _haunt_ you. Oh, Luke, try not to worry about it, it won't happen for years yet.

Anyway, we'd had some kind of alien probe crash down about a week before and somehow one of the junk shops in town beat me and UNIT and Torchwood to the punch. Torchwood managed to confiscate most of the artifacts from the junk shop, but it was that incompetent group in Canary Wharf, the one who let the ghosts through, and they didn't think to check the sales since those items had come in.

The first I heard of the problem was when I was rudely awakened in the midmorning by a large number of cats meowing at Mr. McDougall's door while I was trying to catch up on my sleep; I'd been up all night trying to make a deadline.

~~~~~

"I'm sorry, Mum," Luke said, "but didn't you just say last week that all nighters are bad for you?"

"Yes, which is why I wanted you to start on your English paper early, you're meant to do better than I did, not pick up my bad habits," Sarah Jane replied. "And sometimes I have very tight deadlines, I try to take fewer of those commissions these days now that I have you to look after, but... look, they're bad for you, I shouldn't have done it, but the point is there were all these cats outside of Mr. McDougall's house while I was trying to have a lie in..."

 

~~~~

I threw open the window, to see Mr. McDougall on the stoop of the house, thrusting a broom at around a dozen cats, all of which would startle at the broom, arch their backs, hiss, and then try to dart around him. Mr. McDougall was old, but spry, and kept managing to turn round and beat the cats back. Of course, his door was closed, but despite his best efforts, it was getting pretty scratched up. One of the first things he did before putting the house on the market was replace that door.

"Go away you daft moggies!" he shouted, sweeping three more away from the door and backing against it in a futile attempt to protect it from all the scratching.

"Mr. McDougall, I've had a very long night and am trying to sleep, can you please control your cats?" I shouted.

"These aren't my cats, you interfering old biddy, they've been out there all night looking for a feed."

"Oh for heaven's sake, I suggest you call pest control instead of making such a ruckus then, you brute."

I slammed the window shut, called pest control myself, and then went to try to get some sleep. Two hours later, the meowing was back and twice as loud.

I stormed out of my house, and there were twice as many cats, this time many of them wearing collars, outside of the house and Mr. McDougall was outside yelling at them and there were two pest control vans trying to round them all up.

"I swear this one's family just claimed him," one of the pest control officers said as he led a black cat by the catch pole. "They hadn't seen him in a week, you'd think they'd have kept track of him a little better."

This time I didn't shout at anyone, it was clear that they were trying. Instead, I went up to the attic and asked Mr. Smith to scan across the street for alien technology.

"I am sensing something, Sarah Jane, I don't know what it is, but it is emitting a high frequency sound that is not perceptible to the human ear."

High pitched, frightened barking started outside the windows. I looked out to see Mrs. Acker and that cocker spaniel of hers-- Illyria I think she calls it-- that dog _never_ barks, but it was kicking up quite a fuss at that moment. I looked out the window, thinking it was trying to catch the cats, but it was actually trying to drag Mrs. Acker across the street, away from the noise I think.

"Can you do something to dampen the noise, Mr. Smith?" I asked.

"Not without examining what is causing it," he replied.

"Well, I suppose I'll just have to get my hands on that somehow."

* * *

"I thought I told you to stay out of this," Mr. McDougall said as I waded through the seething army of cats that was trying to break into his yard. It was like wading through a moving swimming pool of furry, solid water. That gate had creaked for years, and it was positively groaning under the weight of half a dozen cats trying to push their way through it.

"Do you have something new?" I wasn't going to return the insult, I just wanted the alien technology so that I could get the cats to quit swarming the neighborhood and go home.

Mr. McDougall crossed his arms and straightened up to his full height. "I beg your pardon?"

"Something new?" I replied. I didn't know about the junk shop at the time, I had to work backwards after the fact. "Something a little strange maybe. Something that you have today that you didn't have yesterday, or maybe something you've had for years that started behaving strangely around the time the cats turned up?"

"They've been here since last night," Mr. McDougall said, frowning. "Since I brought this home."

He stepped back inside, leaving his door open. Cats streamed in after him, and I followed. Every inch of that house was covered in curiosities: old grandfather clocks, ivory netchkies, wood carvings of different animals, and a shelf of antique dolls that I suspect was actually Mrs. McDougall's and he didn't have the heart to give away or take down.

Mr. McDougall led me to the sitting room, where he lifted a figure from the coffee table, holding it out for my inspection: it was a figurine of a bipedal cat in what appeared to be a nun's outfit, it was black and sparkled, but I wasn't sure what it was made of.

"I reckon it's Egyptian, a representation of Bast maybe. Picked it up at Milligan's," Mr. McDougall said. "I don't think there's anything that unusual about it."

I flipped open my watch and scanned it. Alien.

Mr. McDougall frowned at me, eyes narrowing with suspicion. "What's that?"

"It's a long story. How much did you pay for that figure?"

"Five quid, but..."

"I'll give you ten and the cats should go away with it."

"If you can make the cats go away you can keep your money."

"All right then," I took the cat statue, and left the house, cats streaming out after me, right towards the pest control people.

They gathered around me, sitting and staring, like dogs that had been told to sit and wait.

"Lady, how are you doing that?" one of the pest control men asked.

"Please just round them up while they're docile," I suggested.

Fifteen minutes later their van was full, and many neighbors had come to claim scratching, biting cats. I think one of them was your friend Carrie's older brother.

~~~

"She's not our friend," Luke, Maria, and Clyde chorused.

"Luke, what have I told you about being nice."

"More than her mum, apparently, she said I was probably as daft as you were," Luke said.

"Answering the next ten questions the Chemistry master asked might not have been the best way to deal with that, mate," Clyde pointed out.

"At least I proved I wasn't daft," Luke said.

Clyde just sighed.

"Why is it a shameful thing to be smart, Clyde?" Luke asked. "It seems to help in the real world."

Clyde rubbed the back of his neck, and looked at the ground.

"Maybe we should get back to the cats?" Maria suggested, throwing Sarah Jane a pleading look.

~~~

I ran over the road and closed the gate behind me, but I could hear the cats meowing and a couple were small enough to squeeze through the bars. I managed to slam the door behind me before any could get into the house and ran up the stairs, taking the device to Mr. Smith in the attack.

"Cat-kind, mistress," K-9 supplied, nose extending towards it.

"I think I have the superior database, Sarah Jane," Mr. Smith said.

"For Pete's sake, Mr. Smith, just scan it," I said. "What's Cat-Kind, K-9?"

"They are a feline race that evolved on New Savannah, they may resemble Earth cats, but they follow a heterologous evolution. I do not know the significance of that artifact, nor can I smell anything of its composition from here."

Mr. Smith erected a forcefield around it. "That should keep the sounds from escaping the house, Sarah Jane. Which should keep the cats at bay. It will take further analysis to determine how best to proceed."

"Much quieter now, Mistress," K-9 reported.

"That's what I just said," Mr. Smith replied.

"Stop it, both of you. Mr. Smith, quit worrying about K-9 and continue your analysis. K-9, good dog."

It was fifteen minutes before Mr. Smith had any data for me.

"K-9 is correct, it is a statue made by the Cat Kind from the planet New Savanna, however, I am unable to determine what it is made of. Moreover, I cannot determine what is making the noises that seem to have the feline population of Bannerman Road so excited."

"Any stray transmissions on similar frequencies?" I asked. "Is anyone looking for it?"

"Unknown."

"Well, I guess I'll pay a visit to Milligan's then," I replied.

~~~~

"So Milligan's is where you found out UNIT were involved?" Clyde asked.

"Yes, Clyde, exactly," Sarah Jane replied. "I called them, but they weren't in touch with anyone who was looking for it. They did, however, have a vault far away from cats that they could put that artifact in where it wouldn't cause trouble. I did an article in the Ealing Echo about the strange Feline Pied Piper effect. It took the animal shelter about a week to get everyone straightened out and to their proper homes.

"So wait, the cats chase you around, and you don't let them in, write an article about how they were mostly pooling at the house across the street, and then _you_ get the reputation for being the crazy cat lady?" Clyde asked. "Shouldn't Mr. McDougall have gotten that appellation. Well, so to speak."

"I've had the reputation for being the Mad Woman of Bannerman Road since long before then. Ever since I'd moved in, actually."

"Did you treat everyone the way you treated my dad?" Maria asked.

"Well, yes," Sarah Jane said.

Clyde tilted his head. "Do I want to ask?"

"I wasn't the most social person at the time. I'm used to keeping myself to myself-- imagine if what we did got out."

"Like the flying saucer that hit Big Ben?" Clyde asked.

"Or the... what were they called? The ship on Christmas day," Maria added.

"Yes, like that. It was shortly after that, actually, which is probably why I was being so careful," Sarah Jane replied.


	5. V

Maria came in a few minutes after Luke the next day, fuming.

"Maria?"

"Mrs. Wentworth came over to the house, just as I was getting home, and Dad got home early, so I said hello, and she said that you were a mad tosser as likely to bake me in oven as protect me and that he shouldn't let me over here, but Dad said she had too much time on her hands and not to worry about her and just come on over and see Luke and just..."

"Breathe, Maria," Luke said.

"Mrs. Wentworth is a bit of a nosey parker isn't she?" Sarah Jane said. "Oh, her I could smell ten miles off. She also has the worst timing of anyone I have ever met.

She was met with three pairs of wide eyes as Maria, Clyde, and Luke all stared at her expectantly.

"Oh, fine, but this one's a bit all over the place."

~~~

Mrs. Wentworth carried a casserole up the driveway the day I moved in. I wouldn't have minded that at all, it was quite friendly of her, after all, except that I was supervising the movers and, well, it's not like I could hire UNIT. She would, of course come up just as they were moving the things from the attic, so I was trying to supervise them closely.

"Oh, hello, I'm so sorry, this is such a bad time," I said as she came up the driveway.

"My name is Leslie Wentworth."

"Hullo, Leslie, my name is Sarah Jane Smith, it is lovely to meet you, but I'm afraid this is a horrible time."

One of the movers, very roughly, picked up the crate K-9 was in. I tried to move towards him. "Do be careful with that."

Mrs. Wentworth blocked my path. "I made you a cauliflower cheese casserole." She pressed it into my hands.

"Thank you," I said, "but I'm so busy supervising the movers right now you see. Perhaps I could drop by sometime? Where do you live?"

"Number 6 down the road dear. Why isn't your husband supervising the movers?"

~~~~

"She didn't!" Maria, Clyde, and Luke chorused.

They all knew better. They just did.

"She did," Sarah Jane said.

"How was the cauliflower cheese casserole?" Luke asked.

"The worst thing I've eaten in my entire life, human or alien," Sarah Jane replied. "I had two bites, threw the whole thing out, cleaned it, and put in a salad that needed to marinate, intending to drop it off the next day."

"What happened?" Maria asked.

"I finally got a break in a story about some kind of fashion craze that sweeping Hay on Wye and had to catch a train-- my station wagon had died and I hadn't had a chance to buy the green bug, you see. I didn't want the salad to go bad though, so I rang the doorbell bright and early the next morning."

~~~~

"Sarah!"

"Sarah Jane, please, um, Leslie. I was hoping for a proper visit today, but I'm afraid I finally got someone to agree to an interview request late last night after I'd made this salad for you, so I'm going to have to drop it off and run, but I'll try to find time for a proper visit later in the week."

"If you must, duck, but I know a nice man, widower around your age, one child just about to finish medical school, perhaps you can both come around to dinner..."

Don't laugh, Maria, wait until she starts in on your father, it's only a matter of time, especially if she's all ready trying to give him tips on how to raise you, just you watch.

"I really don't have time for this discussion, Leslie, I'll drop by later this week!" I shoved her casserole dish back into her hands, and ran down her walk and to the tube station.

~~~

"Remind me not to step on her garden on the way home," Clyde said. "She sounds like a school teacher who thinks that you're only taking the one subject."

"Oh, that's not even the end of it. About two weeks later, I was just getting home around oh, seven in the morning after having spent the night helping a pair of lost Dentrassi find their way back to their spaceship, and she was out gardening. In her defense, it was the middle of a heat wave and I imagine she wanted to take care of her plants before it got too hot outside, but she sees me pull up in the bug, which was two weeks old by that point, and walks up.

"Sarah, if you had a boyfriend, you could have just told me."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, you've been out all night, you never did come by to set up a time to meet Franklin, I can only assume that you didn't want to be introduced to him because you had someone else and didn't have time to chat about him. So who is he, tell me all about him?"

"He's a right old codger with a ridiculously long scarf and he's long dead and I've had a very long night of work, which I rather enjoy doing and would be doing even if I were married, so I'd very much appreciate it if you'd sod off."

~~~~

"Sod off?" Luke's nose crinkled in confusion.

"It's very rude, never repeat it."

"What does it mean?"

"Never mind what it means, just never repeat it," Sarah Jane said.

"I'll explain later, mate," Clyde replied softly.

Sarah Jane frowned, but supposed someone was going to have teach Luke these things, and Clyde was, well, mostly harmless, and meant well. She'd all ready had a call from the school asking if Luke had been home schooled before, as he seemed to miss social cues sometimes, but that he was picking up rather quickly now.

It was a good thing Luke was smart.

"And?"

"And what?" Sarah Jane asked. "After that, she's pretty much kept herself to herself until she stuck her nose into your business just now."

"No wonder you started snapping at everyone, if Mrs. Wentworth and Carrie's mum gave you so much trouble," Maria said. "It's lucky you turned up at the factory; I wouldn't have known what to do."

"I'm sure you would've thought of something," Sarah Jane said. "Now, I think you three have homework you should be doing, or there won't be much of these after school visits. Clyde's mum is very concerned."

The three exchanged glances, then shrugged, digging into their backpacks for school books.


	6. +1

A couple weeks later, when Luke and his friends tromped into her living room in their stocking feet after a particularly rainy day, the all looked at her, grinning like idiots.

"All right, you lot, what did you do with the canary?" Sarah Jane asked.

"We heard another story at school today," Clyde said, beaming.

"But we think we have it sussed," Luke added, rocking back and forth on his heels.

"You built Mr. Smith up in the attic, right?" Maria asked.

"Yes, why?" Sarah Jane asked.

"Did he always have funny colored lights?" Luke asked.

"Yes," Sarah Jane replied, wondering where this was going.

"Did he have a lot more smoke coming out at first?" Maria asked.

"And maybe weirder sounds?" Clyde asked.

"Louder too. Why?" Sarah Jane Smith asked.

"My friend Steve says his mate thought a witch lived here because he was out walking Mrs. Acker's cocker spaniel when he was dog sitting over the summer last year, and he saw all sorts of funny colored lights and smoke, and unearthly sounds and decided it might be a witch brewing potions."

"Oh dear," Sarah Jane said.

"We told him maybe he'd read a bit too much Harry Potter and had some bad mushrooms," Luke said.

"We think he might've bought it," Clyde said.

"Yes, that sounds about right," Sarah Jane said. "I tried hooking Mr. Smith's crystal up to an ordinary PC at first, and there were... I don't know what the displays did, but it looked like one of those old psychedelic screen savers."

She was met with three blank looks and sighed. "Have you ever used the visualizer on iTunes?"

Comprehension dawned on all three faces.

"That's sort of a useless thing," Luke said.

"Yes, but it's a helpful analogy," Sarah Jane said. "Anyway, once that was done, the processors for the monitor fried, and there was so much smoke I had to open a window to air the place out. I suspect that's what your friend saw."

"Sounds like it," Clyde said.

"I guess this means you won't be asking me for stories anymore," Sarah Jane said.

"If there's one thing we've learned in the last couple months Mum, it's not to rule anything out," Luke said.

"Fair enough," Sarah Jane said.

The End


End file.
